my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
