Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
