to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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