I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
