dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
