I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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