Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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