Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
