Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
