1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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