Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
