yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
