I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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