i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are the jesus of drinking
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
