I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
