Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
