you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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