capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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