I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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