i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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