Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
