Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
