I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
