My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
