That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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