that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
