at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
