Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
