i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
