why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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