She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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