I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
