I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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