i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
