If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I am spending my child support on dildos
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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