i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
