OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
