my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
