First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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