and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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