I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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