don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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