i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
