vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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