So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
