my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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