I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
