am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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