My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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