I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
