Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
