I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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