my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Only a mothe r could love this liver
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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